Family, when designed well, can be fun and functional. It can be a blessing and a safe place when times are tough. Family can provide a hotline to real and authentic connection, and foster a sense of community through a strong support system based on honesty, genuine care, and compassion.

All too often, our experience of family has been dangerous and divisive, hurtful and shaming. Be it through divorce, unhealthy people, or severe loss, we are often challenged with crafting a functional family in the wake of broken family units.

When angry words are thrown around like daggers, and bitterness punctures the safety net of trust, fractures occur to the traditional family framework. You can fill in the blanks of your particular situation and experience, but when the sanctity of family is impaired, borders are built, and fortresses are formed in an effort to survive and protect ourselves.

Like the picture above, most of us have suffered a hacking of our family unit that has rendered us naked and afraid to love and trust again. We wander in and out of relationships fearing failure. Or the opposite, we approach them like a steam engine at full speed blowing our horn at anyone who dares get in our way.

Regardless of our relational style, many of us suffer under the weight of dysfunction, and still, we crave the connection of healthy and authentic relationships.

I have a dear friend who has endured an inordinate amount of loss in her family unit. She lost her only sibling at a very young age, cared for a cousin who passed away from cancer, is a parent to a child with special needs, and has now buried both her mom and Dad.

It’s been heartbreaking on so many levels for her and for those that love her. But she continues to be kind, faithful and focused on finding relationships that meet her need for connection, community, and safety, especially in the wake of such familial loss.

I have been blessed to be grafted into her chosen family unit over the last decade of our lives. I’ve watched over the years as she has extended her arms in love and forgiveness to a world of people who don’t always return in like. Even so, she marches on in hope and I am a student eager to learn her craft.

Romans chapter 11 tells us of God’s design for His family. A non-traditional family unit, in that the Jews and the Gentiles—two very different people groups—are grafted in grace together.

He likened it to grafting wild olive branches into a firmly rooted and cultivated tree. Regardless of our status of being wild or cultivated, the point is—we end up stronger and more beautiful because of being grafted together.

It is quite a beautiful picture of grace, and the power to mend together that which doesn’t necessarily belong. And in doing so, the tree becomes more vibrant and beautiful. A more complete picture that is complementary in nature.

We too can follow in this pattern of grafted family. But it takes intention and patience. Especially because we are dealing with human nature and fickle feelings that often steer us in different directions. It takes forgiveness as well as wisdom to discern our needs from our wants. But most of all it takes grace to graft an unconventional, yet functional family unit that thrives and survives these crazy lives we lead.

I chose our picture this week, not for its beauty, but for what it shows us. The bandages applied to new relationships will eventually fall off, but they are needed in the beginning. If they are grafted with grace and wrapped with care, they provide adhesion to bind and bud these new connections.

So what is your definition of family? Could you use some outside relationships to mend some broken places and meet some needs in otherwise empty spaces?

Start praying for people to show up in your life that you could invite into your circles of relationship and to become part of your extended family. It will take time and effort, that is a sure bet. But in the end, the extension of grace that God wants to graft into your life through new and unique relationships will be a blessing and a beautiful outgrowth of renewed community and connection.

Reflect and Respond:

This week, let’s take some time to forgive anyone that continues to bate us into fight or flight behavior—whether it’s a family member, friend, or a different kind of significant relationship. Allow the work of forgiveness to set you free to love again, to strengthen your trust muscle, and in doing so discover what it feels like to experience authentic connection.

Hugs for a great week and remember, you are not alone. Be blessed and allow room for God to graft in His grace and craft a beautiful new extension to your family unit.